Invader ZIM: Operation Ed U Kation
by Animagess
Summary: Unfortunately for humanity, Zim has altered a Skool teaching program in order to brainwash students around the globe. As usual, only Dib himself and GIR's incompetence stand in his way. First IV fic, so PLEASE REVIEW! Ch. 3 UP!
1. The Beginning of Stuff

Greeting from the doomed planet of Animagess. I've only recently gotten into Jhonen Vasquez's wonderful works of dark, scary horrors, and, well, this is the result.   
  
Doomy Disclaimer of Gratuitous Legal Doom: Since I haven't seen all the episodes, some things may have been changed or omitted completely, and as such, blah blah blah. Anyway it wasn't my fault. Also, I feel no need to point out that I don't own any part of Invader Zim (although I do have some of his molt in a jar), because this is Fanfiction.net after all.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter One: The Beginning of Stuff  
  
The boundaries of the kitchen floor stretched outwards, beyond his field of vision. No matter. Perspective was meaningless in his deadly world, for he had a mission to accomplish. He crept stealthily across the linoleum, scanning first to the left, then the right. No action was wasted. He moved on, all senses on alert.  
  
A single thought ran like quicksilver through his head: *Mittens are evil. WEE-HEE-HEEE!*  
  
With this in mind, he POUNCED!! Like a living trashcan with a stray banana peel, the small, compact figure used every inch of motion to its full potential, in order to render the enemy to nothing more than a tidy little package of cardboard shreddings and whole-wheat graininess...  
  
Zim, the Infallibly Invincible Invader from Irk (I.I.I.I.) stalked into the kitchen to be met with the scene of a little robot ravaging a box of cereal.  
  
"GIR!! Cease your senseless carnagings of that cereal, putrid though it may be with its FILTHY HUMAN TASTE-NESS!!!" Zim roared, pointing a pointy finger pointily. GIR blinked.   
  
"Save them for the moment when we take over the world," Zim advised his assistant briskly, pacing around the remains of Toasty Wheat Bran Snakki Wakki Corn Feces (tm). "You will need your power when that time comes. Oh, how it will come. It will come like no other time has ever come before."   
  
GIR looked at him with his head cocked to one side. "Schmaah?"  
  
"EXACTLY!!" Zim screamed, clenching his fists. He stood trembling with undirected rage for a minute, then slowly let himself relax. He pulled on his degrading human disguise and hopped off the front steps, Gir-dog in tow. Happy, happy tow.   
  
The skool bell rang and the students filed into its dark, carnivorous, door-y maw. A little meter near the entrance read "Inmate Capacity: 30%... 40%... 50%..." The numbers clicked up until the building was full. Then the doors slammed shut and metal bars thudded doomily down in front of them. The meter whirred and said monotonously "Building capacity at 100%. All members of staff please commence brainwashing."  
  
Ms. Bitters swooped down behind her desk and huddled there, grimace in place and ready to begin the day.   
  
"It displeases me so to inform you all that the Skoolboard has discovered a brand new teaching technique and is anxious to use it on your maggoty, ungrateful heads. The program will begin next Wendsdsay after the teaching package arrives. Are there any questions?" she rasped, eyeing the class beadily. Melvin slowly raised his hand.  
  
Bitters came down upon him like the fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse on a jelly-filled donut. "Yessssss, MELVIN?!!" she shrieked in his face. Melvin cowered and whimpered. "Um, uh, w-what is the technique they're gonna experiment on us with??" he stammered, halfway under his desk.  
  
Ms. Bitters placed her clawed hands on his desktop and squinted at him. "Melvin," she croaked softly, "...experiment is not the correct word. You see, class- I hope you all learn from Melvin's stupidity and humiliation, by the way- an experiment is something that you do in order to learn something NEW. For example, if you had a bunch of strange chemicals you'd never seen before, and you poured them all into a big pot to see what would happen, it would probably explode and kill you. Or, at the very least, let off deadly fumes that would irradiate your house for weeks. THAT is an experiment."  
  
She continued her lecture as she swooped back into her chair at the front of the class. "This new teaching technique has already been used in other places of learning-" Ms. Bitters gave a little shudder- "-with satisfactory results. In other words, they already know what's going to happen to you."  
  
"But Ms. Bitters," Zita asked from behind Zim, "...what DID happen to the other children that got tested with this technique?"  
  
*Foolish Earthanoids,* Zim thought, already bored out of his Irken skull. *Already this lesson is beginning to make my brain leak out my ears. Perhaps I should excuse myself to the washroom, or maybe attempt to move this paperclip with my mind...*  
  
Dib caught his otherworldly arch nemesis staring intently at a red paperclip lying on Ms. Bitter's desk. *What are you up to now, Zim?* Dib wondered, glaring at the alien. *What plans to conquer Earth involving paperclips could you be thinking of now?*  
  
Meanwhile, Ms. Bitters was deep in her response to Zita. "...well you see, Zita," she croaked, "...it has a different effect depending on the student. If you're lucky the strain won't make your head dissolve into a mire of disgusting red Jello and you will be able to continue with the assignment. If not, I shall be forced to expel you."   
  
Ms. Bitters then glanced at the clock, then screeched "NO MORE QUESTIONS!! Class, open your textbooks quickly. The process of assimilating you into society cannot begin until everyone's textbooks are OPEN!!"  
  
She bent over her desk and hissed in the direction of the inattentive Zim, who had only managed to move the paperclip 3 degrees to the right (although that might have been the cause of Ms Bitters bumping the desk).  
  
The class obediently opened their books (except for a brave child named Phobert, who had an ordinary book that just had 'TEXTBOOK' written across the front. A few days later, his future was found in ruins on the skool flagpole) and the students quietly read about when the War of 1812 occurred and why squirrels were relevant to the downfall of the Huns (Answer: They weren't).  
  
All except Zim and Dib, of course. While everyone else was diligently filling their minds with useless trash, Zim had suddenly been struck by a brain flash such as he'd never experienced.  
  
"Yessssss," he hissed softly, barely able to contain his shouts of "BY THE TALLEST!! I HAVE DONE IT!! EARTH SHALL BE OURS BY NEXT WEDNESDAY!!!!!! BWA HA HA HA!!!!!! ...moo-ha."  
  
Instead he hunched down, put his body on Autopilot, and began to mentally prepare his latest plot. Dib watched him carefully out of the corner of his eye.  
  
*You may think you can fool me with your textbook-reading facade, Zim,* he thought, gritting his teeth, *...but in reality, I can see right through you! You're not developing a plot that has anything to do with paperclips, are you, Zim? No, this is bigger than paperclips... far bigger...*  
  
Dib peered around to make sure nobody was listening in on his thoughts with some kind of alien mind-reading probe. Then he narrowed his eyes and whispered:  
  
"But not bigger than me."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Review or die a horrible stinky death. 


	2. The Thickening

Chapter two arrives just in time to SAVE THE GALAXY FROM STINKY DESTRUCTION!! To show your thanks, leave a review and tell your friends.  
  
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Chapter Two: The Thickening (of the plot)  
  
Zim raced home, itching to tear off his disguise and begin preparations. He ran past the lawn gnomes- so many, many lawn gnomes- and burst through the front door, panting.  
  
"GIR!!!" he called at the top of his lungs. "This is a matter of the utmost importance, GIR! The fate of the Irken Earth Invasion lies in our hands, like a hunk of clay. We must mold it. Mold it into the wonderful curvy shape of SUCCESS!!!"  
  
Gir popped his head from under the couch. "Like Play-Do-o-o-ohhh?" he squeaked, dragging a stuffed moose behind him.   
  
Zim stared at the robot.  
  
"Yes. Like Play-Doh."  
  
He threw his head back, clawed fingers poised in the air. "So very much like Play-Doh. MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!! ..............moo-ha ha!"   
  
Zim jumped beside the table lamp, yelling "To the Lab, GIR, for we must begin preparations IME-E-E-E-E-E-EDIENTLY!! There is no time to waste! The new teaching package for Ms. Bitter's class will be arriving next Wednesday..."  
  
GIR looked upon his master as a malicious grin spread over his pale green face.  
  
"...and we must be there to intercept it."  
  
...  
  
Dib, like Zim, had run home as quickly as possible. Unlike Zim, he had no lawn gnomes on his front lawn. He rushed through the door and tripped over Gaz, who was lying on her stomach in the living room. Dib came down hard. "OOF!!"  
  
Horrified, he pushed himself to his feet and stared at his prone sister. "Oh no! Gaz!!" he cried. "He got you too?! Has the Invasion already begun?!! I HAVEN'T EVEN YELLED AT ZIM FOR PLOTTING SOMETHING YET!!"   
  
He slumped to his knees and wailed to the ceiling. "IS THIS YOUR PLAN, ZIM?!!" he screamed in anguish. "Killing everyone I love?!! Is this your evilishly evil plot to get rid of the only obstacle in your way to WORLD DOMINATION??!!! ...is it?? Huh??! Huh??!!?"  
  
Gaz propped herself up on one elbow. Her Gameslave was stuck to her face, but at least she was breathing. Dib crawled over to her. "Gaz??" he said, confused. Now his throat was sore from screaming so much. "Y...You're alive?!"  
  
His sister took the Gameslave off her face. "Of course I am, you idiot," she said, deadpan. "I read in a magazine that this was the best position for a truly mind blowing gaming experience. Obviously, I just had to try it."   
  
"Is it working?" Dib asked. Gaz lay back down on her stomach. "Well, my face hurts now. I guess that's something."  
  
Dib wandered to his room, adrenaline receding back into his system. Thank goodness, there was still time to find out what Zim was up to!  
  
He adjusted his telescope to Zim's deceivingly normal base of operations, hoping to catch a glimpse of some suspicious alien activity, but there appeared to be no-one home. Disappointed but not surprised, Dib looked up from the eyepiece and sat on his bed.  
  
*There must be more to Zim's plans than forcing me to wait here, wondering if there are more to his plans than forcing me to wait here wondering what his plans are!* Dib thought furiously, putting his oversized head in his hands. *But what could they be?*  
  
He sat and watched the spoooooky moonlight coming through the window, sighed and slipped under the covers. He felt a little guilty about not staying up all night in Zim's bushes with night vision goggles plastered to his face, but he was tired from doing that yesterday. Besides, there was always tomorrow.  
  
Unless, thanks to Zim, there wasn't.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
You want Dibs with that? 


	3. Big Fat Lights

Sorry about the delay. I actually have over seven chapters done, but my Microsoft Word screwed up after our computer was wiped, so now I have to re-type everything. The things I do for you people.  
  
~~~   
  
Chapter Three: Big Fat Lights   
  
Tuesday arrived witout many people noticing, except the ones whose birthdays happened to fall on a Tuesday.   
  
Bik the Package Delivery Guy was not one of those people.   
  
He'd been entrusted with a very special box, in which a very special thingy lay in styrofoam-peanut-lined care. It was bound with several rolls of duct tape and placed carefully in the back of his delivery van, which Bik was currently driving in order to deliver the box to a certain skool a few miles west.  
  
Little did he know, he wasn't going to make it. In fact, he didn't know much of anything, so I guess it serves him right.  
  
Bik the Package Delivery Guy whistled as he drove. Not only was he blissfully unaware of what day it was, he was equally ignorant of the unspeakable horrors that were yet to come. Plus he was whistling off-tune. He spotted something in his rearview mirror. It looked like a glowing patch of grease. At first he was mesmerized by its shininess, but then he broke free of its spell and tried to wipe it off with his sleeve. Not only did it stay there, but it grew larger.   
  
Bik shook his head. Maybe the mirror was broken. He watched, fascinated, as the bobbing light loomed in the glass and suddenly swerved up beyond the mirror's field of vision. A few seconds later, something landed on the roof of the cab.   
  
Bik didn't notice the thump. Weird, he thought. That light had almost looked like an alien spacecraft of some kind. But he ignored it and resumed whistling happily.  
  
Suddenly he heard a voice coming from somewhere near the top of the cab. "OooooOOOOooh!!" it squealed with metallic glee. "Styrofooooaaaam..."  
  
Then the entire roof was ripped off like the lid of the last can of tuna in a room full of psychotic hobos armed with can-openers. A little robot was perched on what remained of the cab holding the jagged piece of metal as if it were no more than a square of tinfoil.  
  
"WeeeHEEEEeeeeeEEE!!" the droid screamed. "Must retain heat for BURITOOOOO!!!"   
  
Before Bik could protest, or even stop whistling, GIR had him rolled up in the cab's roof like a steamy beany treat. The van swerved left and right and finally flew off the road, Zim's spaceship following right behind. Zim screamed into his headpiece:  
  
"Get the teaching package, GIR!! WE MUST HAVE THE PACKAGE!!!"  
  
The delivery van was heading for a sudden drop in the terrain. Zim panicked, not because GIR was in any kind of danger (which he wasn't), but because he needed the contents of that box intact. He shouted some more. "The package, GIR! DON'T LET IT FALL TO A CLIFFY DOOOOOM!!!"  
  
His calls apparently went to no avail as the van's wheels hit air and kept going, but he spotted a tiny figure clawing its way into the back of the vehicle just before it went over. He watched in apprehension, hovering in the VootRunner, and after a few seconds a giant fireball lit up his windshield.  
  
F O O O M ! ! !   
  
Zim admired its foominess, then grew slightly worried. Where was GIR?  
  
A smoking droid popped its head over the lip of the cliff. Zim immediently swooped down to pick him up. "Well?! WHERE IS IT??!! I must gaze upon the innards of that box!!" he cried, antennae quivering with anticipation.  
  
GIR opened his head lid and reached inside. Zim leaned forward, red eyes glowing in the heat of Bik the Package Delivery Guy's firey demise.  
  
The robot reached in... and produced a handful of charred styrofoam packing peanuts.  
  
"Ooookee dooky!!" he said proudly. "I have what we came here for!" He popped the peanuts into his mouth a giggled insanely.  
  
Zim sat very still. GIR noticed his master wasn't happily chowing down on burned styrofoam and sensed someting was wrong. "Oooo.... boxy! Righteeeee-o!"  
  
GIR pulled the box out of his head, not understanding how Zim could possibly choose cardboard and duct tape over the sheer foamy goodness of packing peanuts. Now Zim was holding the box high in the air, cackling madly as the ship set itself to Autopilot and flew them back home. He didn't even bother to disguise them as they passed a family of three below. GIR could hear their conversations:  
  
"Mommy! Daddy!! Look up at the sky! It's those THINGS on that video that had those things on them! AWFUL, TERRIBLE THINGS!!" Whimpering now. "Don't let them come and steal my brainmeats right out of my skull, Shmee!"  
  
"Honey, who is that loud child in the back? And have you seen my pill? I think I dropped it somewhere around here... and where am I?"  
  
"Shut up, both of you!! If anyone wants me to pull over, they're welcome to GET OUT RIGHT NOW. ....That means you, Todd."   
  
GIR rubbed his metal stomach and thought about the good old days when he'd hijacked delivery vans and rolled people up in big pieces of metal. Ahhh. Nice warm nostalgy feeling.  
  
The VootRunner sped off into the darkness. The darkness of impending DOOM.  
  
~~~  
  
Review or meet Bik's untimely end. 


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